My partner and I have been consuming a lot of dog-related self-help recently, books and reality shows and podcasts with titles like LEAD THE PACK, WE ARE THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY ‘SHHHHT!’ and BRAINWASH YOUR MINI-PINI WITH HOTDOG SLICES.

After nearly four years locked into amazingly cheap rent in a no-pets apartment, we will be moving to newer, doggier horizons in San Diego and must gird ourselves for a life as dog owners. Or so we excuse our obsession. Because the interesting thing about these books is that while they are about dogs, they are also about dog-as-metaphor.

The books describe a dog-human power dance, maintained by consistent acts of physical assertion. For instance, I’ve rewritten three dog-human scenarios from my research as human-doggish human scenarios (in which I play human and you play the doggish human):

• We meet for the first time at a party. I ignore our friend’s…